An Audience of One.

In the pool at the lodge we took the kids to for Easter Weekend.

He was as interested in us as we were him. Beautiful game drive in Keetmans.

Nolan, our beautiful son, says it all the time. “I have an audience of One!” It is his way of remembering that our only call as believers in the Lord Jesus Christ is to please him. That is a tricky thing, especially for people like Nolan and I that very naturally and strongly want to please other people. I hate the term, “People pleaser.” It connotes a person running around pitifully trying to make others happy and never saying no to anything. It is much more subtle than that and is a huge trap, even a lie, that many of us, especially us ‘nice’ Christians, fall into.

After spending more time in scripture and prayer, people get tougher, not mushier. It can be so unnerving to be around a pastor, church leader, or anyone who seems to not care what people think of them, their decisions… Don’t get me wrong; I am not talking about people being rude; I am taking about people who know who they are, know where they have been, know where they are heading, and know Who they belong to and Who directs their path. They are the antithesis of codependent and can make you soooo mad when they don’t go along with your plans!

When we landed in Germany, I felt completely weird. We had about 10 days before the actual training started. I was so relieved when Sylvia gave me some typing and cooking to do. We cleaned and vacuumed the big hall. They days whizzed by without a bit of rush or pressure, except the unease that would well up in me often. I have joked about having 2 speeds – hyper and stop. I live life frantically and then in recovery. If I stop, I usually fall asleep or just feel lazy. One of my prayers about this 4 ½ month hiatus from my normal life was that I might discover (and be able to adopt) a better way to live.

I found myself apologizing for being lazy while others buzzed around me. On the other hand, I felt God telling me to be still. I took some naps, had 2 beautiful coffee dates in the little village, read, blogged, face booked. Even Andy felt (still often feels) I was being lazy and he comments now and then. Today in church I asked to be filled with the Holy Spirit enough to stop reacting defensively to his comments, evaluate if I am being lazy or being still, and then react lovingly after having looked at it, rather than bark something rude back to him and feel conflicted about it myself.

Once training started, we were busy. I don’t know how Austin, Cam and Hailey did it for almost 3 months. The 2 weeks were dizzying. I loved every bit of it but it does remind you how hard it is to be the student rather than the teacher. I came away knowing that Christ’s Hope is worthy of the trust and support MOO and all of us give to it, as an organization. I also realized again how thankful my boys understood so early that we are designed and that living by that design is an awesome way to live! Thank you God and CHI and MOO and Calvary and BSF and CBS and Jim and Jason Christian rock, and so many others!

Then we came to Africa. The house parents are the type of people who work and move constantly and the fruits are evident. The house is well organized and efficient. The kids are well cared for and all have come a long way in their time here. The aunties have worked here for years and know the kids well. The community knows and respects them highly. They have full lives here.

It is so funny because I feel sometimes like I am that young girl again, always uncomfortable in my skin, always feeling like I should be doing more to be worthy of something. Always seeing others’ pain and feeling responsible to relieve it, but unable.

Gradually, God has shown me that we really are all different and that I must accept that I have different things to offer than others. I don’t need to be doing all the auntie’s chores, helping every kid with their homework, meeting and getting to know well every teenager and making educational plans with them, helping in the office, attending to every one of the youngers’ needs…

Sometimes I just need to sit with a kid for a while. I am getting more comfortable but things are just about to change again as the kids go on holiday next weekend and we will leave before they return. However, I am beginning to be OK with melding our two worlds more, while respecting that we do have different worlds here on earth, but we don’t in eternity, which is where I need to focus.

It’s just like at home. To work with orphans who essentially have nothing…no good social network, no firm platform off which to confidently dive into the world, wounds that need to heal but that just get reopened over and over without intervention and the life change that comes from getting to know the Living God… you can’t just do your job and move on. They NEED people to let down the normal boundaries of life and let them in. Not everyone can do it. I had trouble when I tried to do that on top of my already more than full time job at the college. I burned out. I wasn’t ready and I was still trying to fix problems. TRAP!

But, what if I had an audience of one and not an audience of so many? What if I were able to be still, like I’ve been here more than ever before, love the heck out of kids who could benefit greatly from people like Andy and me at this point in our lives? We are so blessed with a huge support network of caring people, some time and resources and love to spare. Can this be done without exhaustion and burn out?

Could we be okay? Would the ‘God Complex’ creep in so we think we are pivotal to it all and so we’d better be perfect, exhausted, and in control of everything or we aren’t doing enough?

I think I have a few things coming into focus. Life goals.

1) Our home is a place of blessing for many people beside ourselves. For now, we are to keep it. On the other hand, this will take more discipline, than we have shown lately, to get out of debt while completing our commitment to get the boys through their bachelor’s degrees.

2) Fulfill the commitment we have made to the children at the Ark. As a ministry, we have committed to getting the kids through college and then, when they graduate with a bachelor’s degree (a humongous difficult goal),  we will bring them for a holiday in California. Some may even study in the US.

3) God can do the impossible that we don’t know how to accomplish. I have always wanted to offer a stable home to young people who want to go to college but don’t have anyone who loves or believes in them. This is a strange way to describe who I am talking about.

            - I believe that, regardless of a person’s background, having at least 1 person who believes in you, will get tough with you when needed, knows you enough to listen to you when they aren’t getting paid to do it – what we usually have with family, can make all the difference. Even non-believers report that they ‘make it thorough’ with just that 1 person – parent, sibling, teacher, coach. Now, when you add in the power of Almighty God, people like the woman we just met at Logos Church do the impossible!

Frieda came to the Keetmanshoop area back in 2000. She was introduced to Pastor Zizito and his wife soon after by Campus Crucade for Christ. Gosh, I remember thinking my friend Erik was a freak when he joined Campus Crucades at UCI in 1982! I thought he was becoming one of those ‘mega Christian’ Jesus Freaks. Oh how our minds can change!

Anyhow, Frieda works in the prisons here in Keetmans. In 2000, she became born again (another phrase that used to make me cringe but now I better understand and love). I think I understood that she got in trouble for praying with prisoners. She waged a battle against the system that prohibited this and also limited a woman from being promoted the first woman to be promoted, largely as a result of the struggle that Frieda previously fought. The woman was hated in the ranks but Frieda supported her for 2 years to get through such a tough tough thing. She waged spiritual war on her behalf.

Frieda needed a degree to move up. She is finishing a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice this month. She shared with me how the director of the program told her she didn’t belong there because her skills were so low. (Something that has been troubling me about the kids in the Ark!) She had to do work in Afrikaans but she came from a region way up north where English is stronger. This is the opposite of what most of the people from this area struggle with (I am pretty sure I have that right). Afrikaans is better for them here but English is the official national language.

Well, hang onto your hat. Through a series of God directed circumstances and Frieda’s faithfulness, she was just appointed to the UNITED NATIONS! as part of a peacekeeping advisory group. This woman is so humble, so real, so thankful, so normal. We laughed and talked about how they called the black African delegates ‘international members’ because no one from ‘the developed world’ wanted to say they were from ‘the third world.’ I felt like I was back in Santa Ana in meetings where people thought they were being politically correct and sensitive to tip toe around the fact that people are from Mexico or that they are poor so they use other words but end up showing they don’t understand the issues at all.

Anyhow. This woman wanted us to ‘get’ two things from her talk. God is limitless and NOTHING is impossible with Him. We have a destiny in Christ. We can live in that destiny when we are ready and when we are living in Him. And, she said something that I LOVE…

DO NOT DESPISE THE DAYS OF SMALL BEGINNINGS!

 Oh … like a drink of water in the desert. I NEEDED to hear this! I feel like I can stop worrying about making some huge, misguided mistake with these beautiful people and trust God to do great things with their lives.

I no longer need to worry about the developmental, cognitive, educational delays and things that are lacking.

I need to call out the people God can make them. He LOVES them now and saves them as they come to Him. Eternal life starts NOW for those who believe and accept The Lord’s gift of Grace.

But I have been confused about life here.

Call out the limitless potential in people! Tell them who they are in Christ Jesus. Be bold.

So…. back to earth for a moment Cathie. I have an audience of One. I am not God or anything close. I am a soldier in an army. I am a loved and cherished adopted daughter of the King, but I am also just part of the group.

I am a cog in the wheel. I am not the wheel. Without 1 cog, the wheel might be able to still function but it is better if I am there, strong, and doing my job.

My job is to keep strong and then let the wheel spin. I keep strong by abiding in the vine because I am a branch that will wither without the vine. I am to “Be still and Know.” I am also to show up and believe God will move mountains.

I think the mountain is coming into view that I need God to move. I can’t do it.

I think I can finally see it and I am not tired thinking about it (very unusual for me!). I am not scared. I am not overwhelmed. I sing songs about all things being possible with God. It is time for me to live that way.

Help me remember…. it doesn’t mean all things are possible if you work hard enough. It doesn’t mean all things are possible if I am smart or clever enough. It means all things are possible when you are with God and that takes my PEASE plan.

So, I may look lazy to others. I may say no to people with great intentions. I may spend time nurturing my soul when I could be working. I may lose respect from some people.

I have an audience of One and he’s a great boss!