A bit confused.

It really is very confusing. I am a white woman from the USA. I have never gone to be hungry (except for the occasional attempt at self discipline). I have people who love me and would sacrifice just about anything for my happiness, let alone for my safety and security.

I am here in Africa in a children’s’ home. The kids are so normal. They have very cute personalities…of course I have thought that about just about every kid I’ve ever met. There are the ones who stand out because they are outgoing and personable. There is the girl who is probably autistic/ Asperger’s – but doing very well here. There are the 13/14 year old girls that can scare the tar out of you with their mood swings. There are the lazy teen boys and those who make you well up with pride because of their commitment to their homework. There is the go-getter who finds jobs during the breaks in school and wants his own business. There is the somewhat naïve one who has moved to a very scary city to go to college – on a hope and a prayer. We (MOO’s Namibia Ministry) get to be the answer to his financial worries for college – what a joy! Please pray for his safety as he’s already had his clothes stolen and was been mugged for $6 Namibian, which is about 55 cents US. 

They are so normal. I can see myself, my own children, others I care about in them. And yet, their situation is so completely different than what is minimally okay, in my gut. The people who work with them are, well…poor. The neighborhood in which they are growing up and the entire Karas region is … poor. We encounter financially stable people at the house parents’ church but they are not the people we live amongst.

One of the kids went home to stay with one of the aunties who work for CHI for a school holiday. Most of the kids have a distant relative they can visit for the holidays but are not able to live there for one reason or another. This little one decided that, although that house is crowded and, as the auntie told me, often does not have any food, she wants to live there. Being part of a family feeds a part of us that nothing else can satisfy it seems. She has ‘more’ in the children’s home; but she choses to be in the midst of a family.

A small amount of money can make a huge difference here. It is a bit addictive and I think, dangerous. To spend $112 US to take 17 people for pizza and milkshakes is a lot of money. We did that the other night and the kids were thrilled. Is it wise? That is almost a months pay for many of the people we are working with who have good jobs!

When we leave here we have planned a fun trip of a lifetime in Europe, on our way home. Europe. We will be surrounded by a completely different reality. Of course I am looking forward to it. We decided to take this rare opportunity and go for broke, to settle down when we get him and get out of debt, finish paying for college for our boys, and regroup.

But how do we leave here, where the kids feel like your own because they want and need your love, and live this way? There are those who would have a very pat answer… lay down your life and be a servant. Sacrifice. There are others who would say we deserve it so of course we should do the trip. After all, we have worked hard all these years and have sacrificed (or so it felt like it until we met all these full-time missionaries!).

The funny thing is, as a believer in the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, I know that God will lead me and it is not always the selfless, most difficult path that He leads me on. Sometimes He has something up his sleeve and it is surprising.

I will pray. I have a rock in my gut as I say it. What if He tells me to cancel all the fun and stay here another month? What if He tells me to sell everything and trust Him with the boys’ college fund needs, their health insurance and family home, the time I so miss with those I love.

We shall see. He certainly has been faithful to us until now. We are blessed us beyond what we could have dreamed for. We shall see.