Why We Need Scripture

We are learning so much about the evolution of Christ's Hope Int'l and the ministry of Choose to Wait, now called Genesis Design (Manhood, Womanhood, Sexuality, and Marriage). I find myself doing what I have always done...I want to get involved with all of it and my pride makes me think I can do it all skillfully, so I want to become an international trainer.

On the other hand, I have been humbled by the depth which Sylvia and Helen have thought things out; they have seen things in Scripture that were always there, but are now being revealed in a different way to these two who are ready to help others see it to, you might say. Christ's Hope is what I hoped it would be. The real deal. Not perfect. Not able to fix every problem or save every child, but a God centered and God powered group of people being faithful, accountable, and real.

The fact that the ladies writing the Genesis Design curriculum are seeing 'new things' in the Scriptures has me thinking. Many people over the years have argued that the Bible is all up for interpretation. I thought that, until I started reading it. It's not interpretation that is the issue. It is how it is a living document that speaks to a person's soul directly. It is so practical and useful and personal. There are different versions. I believe in the ones verified by the oldest texts found like the Dead Sea Scrolls and from the original languages.

As we pray and study, it is not God who is 'directed' by prayer, it is us who are changed and brought in line with His character. It even keeps you safe from other people who call themselves believers or Christians or pastors.

For example, our son, Nolan, struggles with Bipolar Disorder. It is one of the most difficult things I could have imagined. He said I could share this with you.

Nolan has always had an amazing and sweet faith in the Lord Jesus. I will always remember how, as a little kid, he used to start each prayer with a heartfelt, "Lord, I love you!"

It can be so confusing when chronic issues have such a huge impact on our lives. As believers in Scripture and the Living God, we know that healing can, and does, happen. God is not a formula though and, trusting that He really does want what is BEST for us, healing is a mystery.

One day, Nolan went to a friend's church. The pastor prayed for Nolan and told him that he was healed. Nolan, fortunately the honest and open guy that he is, came home to tell me about it. He was 17. I listened and hoped he was right but I knew that the medications Nolan takes can be very dangerous if stopped abruptly -- mostly they can bring on seizures.

We talked about being careful about cutting the meds down slowly. The next day, the pastor had asked Nolan to come to his office. When Nolan got there, this 'pastor' told Nolan that all disease was actually taken away when Jesus died on the cross and that, as long as Nolan believes, he is healed.

Nolan was curious about where this man was getting his authority to say this and asked to see it in the Bible. The man told Nolan he had lost his study Bible so he couldn't show him right then. Nolan immediately knew something was wrong with this 'new interpretation' of Scripture. God can heal but the truth was being bent here and Nolan knew it because he knows what Scripture says and has the spirit of God inside him as a believer to help him remember and know.

Working with Nolan's doctor, we tried to reduce the medications Nolan takes and it was my sweet and wise son who realized he still needed them. He was saved from a possible catastrophe because he could discern between real teachings from God's Word and those of a person who, for whatever reason, thinks he can add to or subtract from what God's 'manual for living' teaches us.

Today it came very clear to me that, by my culture's standards, my Bible knowledge and focus on God has been pretty high. In Truth, I have been lazy and very unfocused. Again and again I find myself thanking Him for the way He has blessed my tiny efforts to follow Him thus far.  He has taken each step I've made in His direction and exponentially used it. It is the most amazing thing in my life.

It's time for me to grow up, though.

A Sunday morning I will remember

I've always thought I had 'an affinity for languages.' Well, I don't for German. Today Andy and I were treated to a drive to a nearby village to go to church...in German. We heard our names and Sud California so we knew we were being introduced. We waived. We probably should have stood up. I really thought I was catching some of it here and there. I knew every praise song; they even sang one in English.

Soren Dorr is the German Country Director for Christ's Hope Int'l. He was presenting about his recent trip to Africa and the kids at a Carepoint in Oshikuku, Namibia, who need sponsors.

Marie was then introduced. She just returned from a year in Kenya as a volunteer with Christ's Hope. You could tell she was passionate about what she was preaching about. I was pretty sure she told her story and referenced the book of John.

After the service, they have a lovely tradition of drinking coffee and having snacks at bistro tables in the back of the church. A man , Hans, approached Andy and I, wanting to practice his English...thank goodness. We talked about how he is planning to move to Australia to be with 'the most wonderful woman in the world.' I was so touched when he explained that Christine, Soren's mother, was the counselor who had helped him when he "had a breakdown" and needed to either "come back to Jesus or commit suicide."

Christine is one of those rare women. She seems very humble. I am so embarrassed when people apologize for their English when my German is non-existent, as Christine does. She and Winfried Dorr had picked us up for the airport over a week ago when we arrived. She said she loved being with people who let her 'talk and talk,' as if she is just some silly woman talking about nothing. Today I realized she is a trained and skilled one-on-one counselor, works 2 days a week nurturing 5 severely handicapped people in a facility near here in 'Sud (South) Herborn,' and that God uses her quite often as a leader in her church and a Christian counselor.

Funny, I never really put so much weight unto the title "Christian Counselor" before. I thought of it as a therapist that is also Christian. When Hans told us that Christine's help has brought him out of the pit of despair and into the joy of our Lord Jesus, I was overwhelmed with the sense of what that means.

So, back to Marie. As part of her 30 - 40 minute sermon in German, she referenced the Kardashians many times. As we all stood around talking after the service, I asked her what it was about the Kardashians she was talking about. After many confused moments and my insistence that she has talked about them, Hans put it togther. She was talking about Galatians. Not the Kardashians. A couple people laughed with me. The others didn't.

And to think I have always prided myself on my cultural sensitivity and ability to relate. Oh my.

Ignorance isn't bliss.

I don't have anything too deep to write today. Sylvia Holthausen and Helen Crown are working hard to nail down a curriculum for the US and one for Africa. It has previously been called "Choose to Wait" but will come out under a new name soon. I am trying to help by typing up the teacher's manual, cooking (nobody laugh who knows me), and cleaning (again...no laughter). It is a relief to me to be supporting others instead of feeling responsible for the creativity and work.

Andy is busy with handyman projects around the Christ's Hope Int'l International Training Center where Jos and Sylvia live, people come for training, board meetings are often held, and the Germany country office of CHI is housed. It is a brilliant facility, in my mind. Functional but warm at the same time. No space, food, or energy wasted.

Jos works constantly. The man is something else. He couldn't really care less who is pleased with him or not; he has work to do on behalf of children who need action. So many kids and now adults call him "Uncle Jos." The more I learn about this couple, the more in awe I am.

So back to "Choose to Wait." Have you ever really thought about how you were designed and how that relates to what scripture says about man and woman, husband and wife? It's a very challenging subject because most of us were brought up, or strongly influenced, in the 60s and 70s when the notion of 'shoulds' and 'aughts,' or any absolute standards were deemed evil.

Combine that with the overwhelming influence of evolutionary theory and "who is anyone to tell anyone how things should be done."

On the other hand, there are those who believe that we are designed, not just a cosmic accident and series of fortunate mutations. Before you get mad, may I point out I have an M.S. degree (masters of science). I can talk science and have the highest respect for what science can do. But it is not God and most of it is built on theory. I have a very healthy respect for the ability of time to humble theory. On the other hand, after much study, I don't believe time humbles truth. The truth found in the scriptures.

So, back to the question. What do you think man and woman were designed to be, in terms of one another?

As a young girl, my way of taking control of the world that seemed completely out of control, was to do what I wanted. I didn't have much respect for adults. I usually made pretty smart decisions, actually. I worked hard, strived for excellence, and could talk like an adult. I learned early how to be perceived as smart. Being smart was more important than being authentic, which took me to therapy later, but that is too long a story.

But the trap came with my need to feel alive when I felt invisible and dulled. I drank and acted like an adult when I should have been being a teen, whatever that means.
I worked too much and got my identity from that. And I had sex as if it was simply fun.

I still find it hard to believe that adults get married without having sex as part of dating. Fortunately, I have some great examples of people who really do trust God that much ... so I am coming to believe it can happen. The question I would have asked before is, "Ya, but WHY?" "Why wait?" I wouldn't have understood at all.

Choose to Wait has lots of reasons why. I can tell you mine. As I became a Bible-believer, I was transformed and so was my heart. I remember the moment I grieved that I stole something very special from my husband. I didn't know how special the marriage relationship could be until many years after I was married. I didn't value myself or my sexuality or my future husband enough before I knew myself from God's eyes. I grieved the loss and I was ashamed of the sin.

God forgives and redeems. I am redeemed. My marriage has been healed from times I know it was affected by our ignorant and irresponsible actions of the past. I know God is real. I know He designed us very specially, man and woman. I know He has what is best for us as his desire. Yes, there really are 'shoulds' and 'aughts' that come with that, just as a good parent teaches children right from wrong.

PLEASE...this post is not to condemn anyone. It is a reflection of where I have been and where God is taking me on this 4 1/2 month chance to take my eyes of all I have known and focus on Him. We are each responsible for ourselves so I don't need to judge anyone. I encourage anyone who feels the tug, to check out with the Bible really says, though. Most of what we hear 2nd hand is trash. Money is not the root of all evil. God doesn't hate any subgroups. God died for the world. The word Gospel means 'good news' which I have found it is. It does take a willing heart to learn it and wrestle with it.

Needing God's help

The Scripture I love to ignore because I think I have so much to say ... so much 'wisdom' to impart :
James 1:26 If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. 

The Scripture I love to quote when asking people to support what we are feeling called to do with our lives: 
James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress 

The Scripture I love to avoid because God has set me so free that I forget I am vulnerable:
(James 1:27 cont.) and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

All within 2 verses in the Bible and I ignore or forget 2/3 of it to suit myself.  

I feel sad tonight. How often I have been part of the problem instead of the solution, especially when I thought I was right and could make things better by my opinion. 

Have you ever been really working hard, trying your very best, and then someone comes along who has a 'constructive criticism' for you? It can take all the wind out of your sails and slow your progress towards getting the real work done. 

How many times have I have done this to people? Coworkers, superiors at work, teachers I have had, volunteers in all capacities. 

The hardest ones for me to think about are the pastors and other leaders. It is just so easy to focus in on the imperfections. "He does this so well but... " I want to erase the 'but...' from my vocabulary. I want to be a visionary cheerleader, not a nit picker with good intentions. 

Rita and Christian are the houseparents in the Ark at Keetmanshoop. They dedicate their lives ... every single day ... to being there for the kids entrusted to them. I find myself scared to go to the Ark to "help" them. Will I be able to humbly submit to whatever I find there? Will I fall back into my human tendency to want to change and 'perfect' what is going on? What will I be blind to that could make all the difference? I am going to need help. 

Oh Lord God. You are my God and I need You to do a work in me (us) so that I am ready to come along side this couple. I don't want to get in the way of a blessing You want to bring to them. Please bridge the language barrier, cultural differences, prejudices we might have about one another. Take all that down and use Andy and I to do nothing but put new wind in their sails, at their backs, as they continue their tireless work. And Lord, I am sorry for the pride and shortsightedness I have shown and I thank you that I know You forgive me and give me a new start. Amen.

Money and Missions

Fundraising. Yuk. We all hate to ask for money. Our family has been on a total of  about 10 'mission trips.' I put that in quotes because it is hard to call yourself anything close to 'missionary' when you think of the sacrifices missionaries make currently and throughout history. Nothing like life and limb has been asked of us. In fact, I tend to brag a bit that our family has never had to go to our church to ask for funds...God has always provided. Andy and the boys have cleaned carpets, done handyman work, I have worked overtime, and our friends and family have given generously so that we could go somewhere and do something ... as the opportunities arose. 

Lots of people tell me they would like to do something like a short term mission trip with their kids. I can't suggest it more highly. Not for the reason most people are thinking though. In our culture ... it is looked upon as another good experience. I think that is a trap. 

Years ago, I landed at a place where I was just DONE. I thought I was losing my mind. I was depressed and just could not move forward any more. What God revealed to me through that pain ... and some good therapy ... is that I was looking at my life and especially my role as a parent and wife as a endless amount of details that needed to be managed well. You know, the old spinning plates trick. If one plate falls, the whole trick is a failure. Oh how I hated the exhaustion of the holidays! That was just like adding a whole new set of plates for a month or so each year. 

Well, God transformed my thinking over time to let go of all of it and just live. The fear that motivated me to run such a tiresome race was relieved and I came to rest in the fact that God has my back. He will take responsibility for the big picture if I will keep my eyes on him and do what I know honor him. The rest really does take care of itself. Of course, I still get myself too busy, but it is not at all for the purpose of 'covering all the bases.' I just have too many interests and have trouble staying focused. I am learning to manage that too. 

The real reason to take kids on a 'missions trip' to serve others is because you want to honor God in obedience and out of gratitude. That doesn't just happen on a trip but as a natural outgrowth of a life of faith. If God is real and you know that, your life shows it. There are vacations set up where people can do good things but that is not the same as a missions trip. A missions trip is to help people see Christ Jesus, not another experience to give the kids or another box to be checked off in childhood like playing sports or learning to camp. We raise our kids that way and, just as it had for me above, it leads to exhaustion and emptiness. I hope I am making sense. 

So back to fundraising...the book I just read reminded me how important money is in our relationship with God. Andy and I are paying much of our expenses for this trip, out of what God has provided us. I realize now that we need to remember that, in asking people to give to God's purposes, we are actually helping them (and ourselves) battle the natural tendency to cherish money and use it for fulfillment and security. God is the only fulfillment and security that lasts and satisfies. As we let go of our money in ways that build God's eternal kingdom, our hearts follow and we find what we all really yearn for and what really lasts. Now, if we pass this onto our kids ... that is home base ... covered.

It's OK to Enjoy ...

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Phil 4: 4-7

We Christians are to be joyful, at peace, and content, regardless of our circumstances, knowing God is in control and this is all temporary. For most of my life, I thought of this as a command for when things are hard. Deep down I thought that I was supposed to be going through hard times all the time or, at least, I was to be sharing in the sorrow of others. In fact, I thought that if I was having a good time, I must not really be understanding what others were going through. I also hoped that God would enable me to somehow survive with some faith, joy, peace and contentment if things ever went really bad – like Holocaust – type bad. I know, I’m dramatic, but that is how I thought. I still hope His power will allow me to make it with my faith and trust in tact, no matter what.

But, as I studied God on His terms, it came clear to me that I was misreading scripture. I needed to read more carefully. In fact, that seems to be a common reason for lots of problems: we either don’t read God’s Word at all and think we’ve got the gist of it from others, or we read it but don’t really listen carefully to it. I make both mistakes many times.

God doesn’t say in the verses above, or anywhere else I can find, to be joyful, peaceful, and content when things are tough; He says to be joyful, at peace, and content in all circumstances. When I realized that circumstances could be good too, I realized I was trying to be a man-made martyr instead of a follower of the real Christ Jesus.

I was blessed today with comfort, safety, pampering, love, convenience, and a freedom that I thought I’d never feel again once the responsibilities of raising a family took over my life. We flew away from our lives, having pushed ‘pause’ for almost 4 ½ months. Who gets to do that? We were blessed to have been given flights to Europe and back … in Business Class. You know, those awesome personal cubicles where the bed lays flat, you are fed 2 beautiful meals, unlimited beverages of all kinds, and a personal TV with lots of movies! We didn’t wait in even 1 line all day and were directed to the special lounges where free food and drinks, wifi, comfortable couches, and friendly servers made us feel like the rich and famous.

There was a moment when I felt guilty. I didn’t want people passing me to go sit in coach. Why do I deserve this? Many people passing were elderly, frail, or looked very stressed. The thought crossed my mind to give up my seat to a poor old guy who fell down on the gangway but (thankfully) the opportunity didn’t present itself. Phew! Then I realized: this was a gift just for me, today. I prayed God would give just the perfect gifts to each one of the others walking onto the plane and I thanked Him for this day and the perfect gifts I am given.

We are here in Germany. We will be working for, with, and being trained by people who give their all and everything for the huge number of AIDS affected children in Africa. I feel humbled, a bit nervous, and very conscious of my tendency to want to fix everything and brainstorm all sorts of idea. Andy and I are here to support the people who do this work with their whole lives, not to adjust, brainstorm, or critique anything.

I want to understand one very scary issue, however. What is being done, and can be done, for the millions of children who have been saved by organizations like Christ’s Hope Int’l over the past 2 decades, as they become adults? I know how hard it is to help foster youth emancipate and become fully functioning adults in the US. What does the future look like with this enormous population?

It is scary because it may lead to a calling to do something about it. I can’t even thing about anything right now, just coming off of the marathon of wrapping up at work and home to get away for so long. My life is so full and often frenetic. I want it to slow down, not take something more on.

And yet, I am here and excited to get to learning and working. I don't have to take on the whole problem; my job is to just show up and do what I am equipped to do with the time and energy and skills I have. I don't have to be depressed about all I see to prove I care. I need to pray constantly and remember that I am not in charge or responsible. I am a cog in the wheel to where God is going and I am along for the ride while I do my job. No turning back. 

Thanks to the support of many many of you, we had the rummage sale Saturday to benefit the kids at the Ark in Keetmanshoop, Namibia. After weeks of collecting and storing, the rain thankfully stopped late Friday night. We leave Thursday and vacation renters move in Friday so ... we had to make this happen.

Andy, Cameron, Hailey, and broken handed Mason (and Danny Morgan who we can ALWAYS count on) did the heavy lifting of getting everything there, making the signs, sorting it all out on tarps, setting up easy ups. It was a much bigger job than I had anticipated.

In the 20s and 30s, Andy and Cameron spent the night there to watch the loot. Burrrr. By 6am, the trickle of bargain shoppers began and continued pretty consistently until noon when the trailer full of leftovers was packed up and taken to Goodwill a little after noon.

There were times I felt conflicted. We were running a fundraiser for orphans in Africa. Many of the shoppers appeared to be immigrants who I assume have limited resources. Do I haggle with one to help another?

A big question and mystery I have struggled with is the idea that God, if He is in control, seems to have favorites. He blesses some so hugely (as we feel we are) and then others are born into such dismal, painful lives. I know eternity is set, but what about here? I have found no easy or trite answers. I have come through the process of many years of experiences and wrestling matches with God to trust that I don't get it, but He does. It is clear though, that His ways are not our ways. I hope I open my eyes after my earthly death and sit up and yell, "Oh ya! I remember how this all makes sense now." In all seriousness, I trust God with huge questions like that. As I personally study God's Word, not just take in what others say about God and the scriptures, I feel a joyful compulsion to share what God has blessed me with, which blesses me all the more, and hopefully fits into the plan to use all things for good - even all the suffering. I often wonder if I will be able to be so joyful when I am the one suffering.

Do you ever feel like you just can't do enough...things can't get fixed, so why try? It is the same issue as above. At one time, deep down, I had the sense that I was useless if I couldn't perform and conquer. So, if I am worthless without achievement, I'd better not work on projects I can't conquer, right? That's dangerous; I might fail and that would mean I'd be nothing. Then there is the very deep down belief that I SHOULD be able to change things. I need to care so much and work so hard that things get better. Essentially, I thought I was CEO of the universe. The pride. The responsibility. The inevitable exhaustion and failure.

God showed me at a retreat called Cursillo that my worth is not at all attached to my efforts and success and He showed me that the lie I had internalized somewhere down the line, that I SHOULD be able to fix things was a lie. My job was to do what I am equipped to do, to live as an imperfect but deliberate and cherished creation, and to TRUST the real CEO of the universe. I was set free to care without guilt and to work without exhastion, to love without the fear of the pain of loss.

We made just short of $1000 today. That money will be used directly for the kids at the Ark. We will keep careful track of where that money is spent on educational materials, tutoring, books... We will see. Thank you. It turns out that YOU are the stable ship that is allowing Andy and I to take risks, go off into uncharted territory, and to live free. We thank God for YOU!

Last day at work: it is really happening!

Do you ever look back and realize how much of your life you didn't plan, orchestrate, manipulate, or even think about yet, here you are?
 
That is exactly how I feel and it fills me with a deep sense of gratitude. I always questioned people when they would say 'things will work out.' How do they know?
 
And yet, I find myself at a point where I can't believe how things have worked out. The hunk of a man with the big smile I met 27 years ago turned out to be a man I love and respect more all the time. I didn't expect that! We raised 3 sons who astound us. They each have their share of life's challenges,but they are focused on what is bigger than themselves. They each want their lives to matter and to honor God. We have a precious daughter who 'married in' yet feels as fully ours as if she were born to us. These days I find she makes me want to be a better wife ... something I really didn't expect.
 
To have my mom, Andy's mom, and all our brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews, and great nieces and great nephews to love and enjoy -- I cherish each moment with them. Friends like family and coworkers, students, and church friends that enrich everything -- we are just so blessed.
 
When the boys were small, I was totally in love; yet, I felt like life was one big blank white wall. I had purposefully signed up for marriage and parenthood. Stability was the what I wanted for the boys. "We are the stable ship. We need to keep it steady. It is their job to launch someday and that happens best from a stable ship." I would actually say that out loud when everything inside of me wanted to feel the excitement of change and novelty. It was very tough for me to keep moving forward. Life with kids just took up so much (all) of me -- my time, energy, patience, money, effort, brain power, career,focus. Everything. Every decision I made was about them. By the time I really surrendered to parenting, it was time they began needing me less and less (except the money part, of course). I have teased that it all feels like a practical joke sometimes.
 
Surprising and suddenly, it is as if I have come out of a thick forest. I am out in the clearing. I made it through something that took more than I thought I had in me to do well. I didn't know if, after raising the kids, we'd have exciting adventures in store. Down deep I didn't think so. Instead of coming out of the forest to a dreary place, it is  as if the past has led to a brand new path and I have no real idea of where it will lead. I do know that I can fully trust the One I serve and that is really the exciting goal. So here we go.